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Feb. 16th, 2014

Vacation

Hello,

Not sure what I want to say, however, I felt the need to write. So here I am sitting at the computer wanting to write, craving the urge to type. Type anything, but type what? Yes, that is my struggle. Never knowing what to type, what to talk about. I want to write something that means something, anything to some one.

Isn't that what we all want, we all need? Something that touches someone, even make them thinking, if only for a moment. However, I feel like my writing doesn't change anything for anyone, actually I don't even think my word gets out. But I'm trying.

I mean I don't want to be a writer by all means, because well, lets face it. I'm a shitty writer, I have no direction, and I suck a grammar.

Anyways, I will update you with my life. I am currently in Florida. The birth place of you dear Journal. It is nice, I am glad to be here, although I can't help but to miss home, miss my friends and my family. Yes, some our with me but I do miss home. We are here for five more days. We have already been here 8 days and we have filled them perfectly. But at night and this weekend I have notice I miss my routine. The gym, my friend, my life.

Have you ever met someone and had a strange connection with them, a connection that was clearly at the wrong time. I feel like this happens to me all to much. I hate it. Riight now though, I am not in the position to talk about this so I will get into this in another post.

Good night dear journal,
thank you for listening.

- A

Feb. 4th, 2014

I'm proud of me.

It's been almost far to long before I've taken time for you.
My dearest apologies.

I would just like to state, that I am proud of myself. I've never taken the time to get give myself that recognition, that I believe I deserve.

I am a mother, I'm 22 years old. I work, and go to school. And I am keeping up in school pretty darn good.

I've already done college and completed that, I graduated high school before I had my child.

Yeah sure I had her when I was 19, however, I was able to finish college. And now I am working at university. I can't say I know many moms my age that driven.

I just don't want to be that mom, the blame having a kid for crushing my education dreams. I can still be a mom and go to school, it's called balance.

I don't mind if I have to stay up hours after she has gone to bed to study, I don't waking up earlier to get her up, and ready, and head to work. I don't mind the lack of sleep, because there is always small gaps where we can both nap.

It is totally do able, and I challenge any mother out there who has a dream to get more eduction, do it. Heck I even use Aylin for some of my projects in my photography class, she is a great little model.

It is do able.

Anyways I have a paper to write, I was just taking a break from a minute.

-a

Dec. 30th, 2013

Blaaah !

So, the other day I was scanning through some books and I came across Snooki's new book. Baby Bump. It is all about her pregnancy. And I thought to myself, seriously, she wrote a book about her pregnancy who cares, seriously, who would buy that. I mean it doesn't teach you anything, it is not a self helping book. It really is just her rambling on about her experience with being pregnant.

Okay, so why do you get to make millions off a book that is just more or less your personal thoughts, I mean if it is that easy, heck I am going to write about my pregnancy. Most people only bought the book because it has her name on it, other than the name truthfully, people wouldn't care. So stupid.

Her first little page was talking about how she was scared, and nervous, yeah okay you and the million other women out there that have a child. No one knows what to expect, you really can't because everyone's pregnancy are different. I mean I've heard horror stories of pushing for 24hours and some girls going in and pushing twice and boom, your little bundle of joy is here.

I mean I asked a bunch of women I knew who had already had kids, what the pain is like, and how does it feel. And I mean none of them gave me a straight answer, the best answer I got was from my doctor, who is a man. He told me "the pain you feel from your contractions, it never gets any worse from the moment it starts. You just get tired and drained and you try to sleep but you can't. But the pain never changes" So with that information in hand I thought, well, if I can tolerate the first 5 hours of them, and sleep through it, this is going to be a breeze.

So sure enough 5 am I get up to "pee" go downstairs pee and come back up, and boom, water breaks. Me, not knowing this is my water breaking, panic and think. "oh fuck, I seriously just pissed my pants." embarrassed and not sure what to think. Politely wake Jordan up and tell him I need to go home, him in a state of sleep/shock, thinking he did something wrong begs me to stay. Me unable to sit properly because the contractions are coming on, finally came "FUCK I either just pissed my pants, or my water broke." State of shock alone drove him out of bed, down to his car in 1.4 seconds around the corner and to my house to get my bag and stuff, and announce to my parents the baby is coming.

I feel like I was the calmest person ever, I went into the hospital feeling good, still very much embarrassed, how awkward would that be, "Umm, no sorry miss you just peed your pants." But surly enough, it was water breaking. Yuck.

And then from there, it was a waiting game. I did have an epidural, and I took that like champ. If you know me you know right now me and needles… not friends.

Okay, well I've rambled on well more than I expected. I am just stating that why can she write a book, and I can't I mean I'm just a regular everyday person. My book would sell… I think. lol

Anyways later days Journal.
- A xo

Dec. 25th, 2013

Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Merry Christmas, yes we will start with that.
I hope everyone had a wonderful day, or few days. However which your family celebrates this time of the year.
The most wonderful time of the year.
Like most I think I just over prepare myself for this, next year I have learned some tricks and trades that will help me from making the same mistake twice.

lesson learned.

Anywho, it has been eons since I've last written anything manful. I mean these are certainly not meaningful to anyone other than myself. But first and for most, I was accepted to Lakedhead University! Yay, I never dreamed that would happen, but I went out a on whim. I applied not excepting anything, so I didn't tell anyone. Due to the fact embarrassing if I was rejected. Awkward.
But, I wasn't! SHHHHHOCKED

Tomorrow I am going to try and brave the elements, and crazy amounts of people and take on the task of... boxing day shopping. I need a new winter coat and I guess lines got mixed up, and well I just didn't get one. And well, the weather is getting rather cold and so a jacket would be wonderful. Wish me luck my dear journal followers, if there are any.

Well I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope it is everything you wished for, and you bring in the new year with positive attitudes, and find everything and more you are looking for.

I, myself will be looking forward, and hoping 2014 is an awesomely amazing year for me, and I learn to take bring risk, and take crazy chances. And well, you never know, maybe find myself, maybe.

Hope to see you all next year, haha.
6 days :)

Love you all,
- A

Nov. 4th, 2013

Rambling nonsense.

"Darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines. It will shine out the clearer." - J.R.R. Tolkien


I truly get jealous when I see people on facebook commented about the amount of school work they have, or things they have going on at school, or even seeing pictures! Makes me wish I was doing school work. And I am hoping soon enough I will be, however, right now I seem to be hitting brick walls every corner I turn.

First I applied to school, that was a task all on its on. Than I need to submit all my transcripts, yet again another task I had to complete that seemed like a mountain, and a wee fortune. However, I completed that task too. So, then I found my self constantly checking my admission status for school, and it was completed, but than suddenly four days ago it turned to "incomplete". Shocked and a little worried that this meant I wasn't accepted. So I emailed the school, to later find out yet again there is another form I need to fill out and send off.

I need to fill out and complete an Admission Profile form, which is pretty much another application, but does remind me off a resume format. I also have to submit documents to help support my profile. Uh yay for more work!

Praying it will all be worth it.

However, I'm back to work.

Laters

Sep. 27th, 2013

Some days

Some days I have million and one ideas of what I want to write, and when I actually find the time to sit down, and write. All those ideas, have well, just flown away.

I should probably consider carrying around a note book so I can jot those ideas down at the time, but, I feel like they would just be dead sentences or I would look back upon them and wonder, "where the hell was I going with this idea." Or even crazy another idea may spring from it.

I wish I had more time, or even more motivation to just sit down and write in you more than I do. I mean I'm more shocked than you that this has last as along as it has, and due the fact I don't really use my full name, this would be hard to trace really back to me. Unless you were really searching, and really I have nothing to hide, this is who I am. And if you want to take the time read my life through this blog, than thank you, and if not thank you for finding me.

Maybe this entry is about "finding me", I really don't know, but, I do know that is what I am in real need of. A soul searching experience, I know who I want to be, but who I want to be and who I am right now just don't see eye to eye.

If you haven't read about me at all, or scanned this blog, I am a young mom, so my life was thrown a curve ball when it was looking for a fast ball. Blind sided if you may. So any dreams that needed the single life, well they were washed away. Not saying Aylin ruined my life. Please do not get that idea, but my plans for going to university in a another country, well they became well someone else's dream.

But recently I was sat down with my grandparents, who are probably my biggest supporters for my education and asked "what do I want to do with my life?" Well dear grandparents I know I have already done 3 years of college and came out with a diploma in Social Service working, however, this career choice was not all it was cracked up to be. And truthfully my passion is children, I love kids, they are so much easier to deal with than adults. And I fit well there. I mean I work at the YMCA in the children department and I know you are all thinking, no there is no career at the YMCA for me. But anyways, I explained what I wanted to be. I want to be a teacher of younger children, of course. Yeah sure that is great, I have an idea, but how do I get from here to there. I mean I am no position to drop my life and go back to school for four years of university and one year of teachers college. It really is not fie-sable. I don't know how to look into online maybe courses, or even night classes something to head me in the right directions.

I just don't want to look, and it's not me being lazy its the fear of striking out. Being told that that career choice is not in your grasp. And right as I typed those lines I heard the quote "never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" easier said than done. No one likes to be rejected.

So now I am sitting at a cross roads, I don't know where to go. I guess my first guess would be go to one of the schools I've considered going to and figure out what my options are, if I have any. I am human I don't have all the answers but I like to think I can help, and when it comes to everyone else, I can. But helping myself, I fail out.


Finally a where of my ranting, and I will leave you with this.

If any one cares to take a comment please help me guide me with any words of wisdoms you care to share I love hearing it.

I am going to start building up my fan base, if anyone has questions please don't hesitate to email me
Ashtyn--@hotmail.com

Sep. 7th, 2013

Grieving

Today, I lost my best non-human friend, yes, my cat.
Today, I lost my cat. She had been my best friend since I was five years old, as of the twenty seventh of August I turned twenty-two. Which means she was my best friend for the last seventeen years almost. I loved her more than anything else I owed. I wish I could have gotten the chance to say goodbye, give myself some form of closure, however, my parents thought for my better off, that they would do it while I was away at work. So, I wish I could tell you what the last thing I said to her was, but, I can not remember.

I do understand she was a cat, however, she was the only constant thing in my life. From when I was five until now she is the only thing that never changed. No matter what was going on in my life, there she was, just being Oliver. In the last few years, she had become a little off, and yes, last week she did bite me, but, in all truth, it was not her fault. Cats don't like water, but she needed a bath, fleas.

I am not sure how to deal with all of this, I've never lost anything so close to me. Yes, we put our other cat down too. But she wasn't my cat. It was my stepmothers so the connection just wasn't as strong. So to grieve I have no idea what to do. I don't get a funeral for her, as she is gone and I have nothing left, I just want to cry. I feel rather childish in doing so. But other than that, I don't know what else to do.

I'm sorry Journal other than you, I really don't have anyone else to vent too.
No one else to seems to understand "she was only a cat."
They just don't get it.

I'm sorry Journal, again.

- A

rip.

Aug. 19th, 2013

Don't look back you're not going that way .

It has been far to long since my last post.
I really don't know where to begin, I mean not much has changed in my life. I have a job I'd like to say I love it, but I really don't.

I was happy at first, but I've found too many bitchy parents, the term bubble wrap parents comes to mind. Makes me crazy, and I don't even want to go to work. Annoyed

Apr. 21st, 2013

Don't look back, You're not going that way.

Good Morning Journal,

I felt as though today was a great way to start my day with a quick note in my journal. Anyways, as you can guess it, no job still. And it's not that I am not applying, I've applied to a few places, but nothing back, well who knows. I could be getting a call back, but I don't have my phone right now. It's been cut off, friggin' sucks.

Aylin will be two in a week! Where has the time gone, it's so true, they really do grow up so fast. It seems like over night she was walking and talking like no tomorrow, and she says things that seriously amazes me, "like, where did you learn that?" I honestly have to do a double take when she does something, I just can not believe my eyes sometimes.

Ummm, on another note, I don't know how much longer I can live with my parents, I mean I am not ready to be out on my own. But I can't live here any more. I am just getting tired of all the bullshit. Everyday there seems to be a new fight, and it is getting really old, and exhausting. I've applied to jobs but no one is hiring and I am not working at mdons, or sobey's. I have an education, it would be nice to put it to good use, you know.

Any ways, I don't really have much more to say. Life is confusing, but isn't always. Without confusion, it'd be pretty boring. Just a thought? Well on that note, I am off to my confusing life.

Later days!
- A xx

Mar. 25th, 2013

It's all too much.

Where to begin, well than, isn't this usually how I start my Journal, no idea where to begin. Well that start might be an idea, however, just an idea. But, I am different and the beggining is just not the place for me to start so how about I start at the end and work my way to the start. Prefect idea to me, of course this is my journal and if there really is anyone out there that actually took the time to ready through my life, I give a big kudos to you. I myself probably would have stopped reading in about 2006, when this all began. Anyways, off topic.

Well needless to say, I forgot to write in my Journal while I was in Florida, whoops. I am sorry I was just too busy we really didn't have a lot of down time, and when we did at night I was ready for bed. My trip was good, could have been better, it was a bit cold the first few days but we managed. Aylin loved it, duh. She was pampered at every need she needed, if not more. Now we are home, ew, and we just had like a solid week of snow. WHY!?! It is suppose to be Spring !! Easter is this weekend coming, woohoo, chocolate! Hmm, fun fact two days before I left for Florida, guess who is home... Tyson. OF COURSE! Just when I made myself believe he was gone for good, and I placed Jordan back in my life. Tyson comes back.

What makes it so much harder, he's like "oh can't wait to see you." FUCK YOU! Honestly, you left me here, left me expecting you were going to be gone for awhile, you were gone just under 2 months. Not long, well than while in Florida I made the mistake of leaving my facebook open, Jordan got a hold of it, saw the messages and snapped, naturally. He had every intention of flying home. However, he didn't. He realized, I am in Florida with him.

My life is just, ugh, confusing right now. I am not sure what to do. Honestly. Anyways here I am, sitting at my desk, should be doing an essay. But instead I thought "oh my Journal needs some loving. I shall do that and I need to rant a bit."

Well I am off to write my essay, and search for a birthday cake idea for Aylin she's two in a month in one day, holy crap! My babies a toddler. Any idea's shoot them my way!

- A
xx

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