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Won't jinx this yet.

We’ve all heard the saying, “when one door closes, another one opens,” I personally never really believed that; or at least I just really never gave myself the chance to notice. Because I was, key word being “was”, that type of person who was always forcing that next door to open. Never taking a moment to sit back and just that door to freely swing open for me.

However, this time around, I did just sit back, put my hands behind my head (metaphorically speaking), just relaxed and not let myself worry. Nothing throwing myself at anything, allowing everything and anything to come to me.

This does sound rather lazy, but, I feel like i’ve done my fair share of fighting and working hard for what I want. It’s time for someone to realize my worth, someone who isn’t going to make me fight constantly for their attention.

Where this is all headed, Jordan and I broke up. Big shocker, yes I know. We all seen it coming, everyone but myself. I mean the signs where there. Weren’t happy really, maybe if the circumstances where different, we’d have a chance. But, riight now they’re not working in our favour. Anyways, yes we broke up. and well of course me being me. Jump for the first guy to bat his eyes in my direction. Clearly that was nothing because it didn’t last at all… to be honest nothing even came of that. Someone to talk too, I suppose.

Anyways, I began hanging around a new set of people, a new world unlike my shelter world I have now. The mom world. I hung around scene, that was exciting, adventurous, new experiences. Things I just never thought I’d enjoy. Anyways stepping into this new world, I meet this guy, in the first few moments of meeting him I felt no attraction, other than a friend to him. As the night progressed, and the moments passed. I began to see an attraction grow, of course I didn’t allow myself to eat and I bing drank on a empty stomach. Well, most of you know where that combination ends. Yeah the last bit of the bar was a blur, however, I was loving the dancing. Giving -er like I always do. Dancing queen.

Anyways, my second mistake was getting into a cab, should’ve just walked it off. I can’t drive in the back seat of a car on a good day, let alone under the influence. But, when I needed someone to hold my hair, while I drained everything that I possibly had in me. He was there holding my hair and taking care of me. Not something I’m ever use to most guys are the complete opposite. That is when the switch turned for me. This was actually a decent guy, someone I was certainly not looking for.

From that moment on it was like an instant connection, down fall. That night I met him was the last night he’d be here, he was moving back out west for the next six months. Of fucking course (excuse my language). Me being determined, and brutally honest with this boy. I get bored and lose interest quickly, I wanted to make this last until he came back in September.

So, we talked every single day, like paragraphs and novels of texts to each other. From the moment we woke up, until someone fell asleep. And it went on. Even phone calls once a week and the odd FaceTime. But, slowly the distance grew on me, hated not having someone to actually psychically be with, not even sexually. Just someone psychically there. I missed it and craved. I hated missing him, I know that sounds ridiculous.

Slowly, he became distance, and things changed, like they always do. We both just became busy, it grew hard, living in two different provinces, but also different time zones. And like they always do, nothing works out for me. So now I begin again back at square one, with this boy still at the back of my mind.

Wondering, if again, will something good spark for me.

And it seems to have, however, I don’t want to jinx it. So, I’m keeping this gem to myself… for now ;)

Good night Journal World,
Sweet dreams.

- A

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