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Far to long

Well than, no surprise I've neglected you again Journal. I've just been busy. In December I finally completed my Social Service Worker program at georgain, college is in the bag. Thank you, thank you. It feels really good to have that over and done with, on to bigger and better things. I've started a university class, it's history. I am sort of regretting it now, but it is just one class to see how I like it than I am going to start a university program, I've wanted to be a teacher, and I should have gone for this sooner than later, but oh well. Better later than never I guess.

So much has changed in my life I don't even know where to begin. First, Jordan moved out, things got rocky and he bounced. Big surprise, not actually. Anyways, so he left and I started to hang out with my friends more, which I should be doing, just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I need to be sheltered to the house. So, I started going out meeting new people, met this one guy. I already knew him but we started talking again, anyways one thing lead to another and we hung out a few times. It didn't go anywhere, but than I met another guy, Tyson. I really fell for him. We hung out a few times, and than he told me, oh by the way I am moving away in a month... to Halifax. Only 2,000 km away, he went from being a 15 minute drive to fucking 24 hours. Sorry for my language, it just really fucking sucks. I really had feelings for him. He wont be gone forever, but a while and I would be ridiculous if I sat here in Muskoka and waited for him to come back. Wouldn't I? Rhetorical question, I already know the answer. I would. We still talk, here and there, I think about him far to often, I just need to flush my system of him. But I honesty now don't feel like going out, knowing I won't see him out, sucks the big one.

Anyways Jordan knows about both these guys, and of course he snapped but than realized I am his one, which I don't think is true. I just feel like he needs to get out there and experience life, he doesn't understand. We are far to young to say forever, yes we have Aylin, who by the way is amazing and growing like a weed, therefore we will always be apart of each others lives. But I don't see me walking down any isles soon, saying "I do". Too young. Love will always be there but for right now, I am not sure where it is.

I really wanted Tyson to work out, I needed a change in my life, someone who wasn't unhappy all the time who was an upper in my life. But of course, that didn't work out, why would it? I always find myself getting more attached than the guys, and I fall faster and harder for them. I think that is my problem, I just want him to like me, and I am sure he does but he is 2,000 km away if he wants to move on, he can. Sadly I am stuck here, and even worse the place I met him, is the only bar in our town, so it can be a constant reminder of what came and went in a blink of an eye. Fuck you Hannah Montana, really great things don't happen in a blink of an eye, they leave! (One in a million) Sorry for being so cynical, just hurt.

I didn't think I would cry when he left, and I didn't, it hit me like three days later, that "oh wow, he's actually gone, no more crazy sleepers, stay in bed days", like he is actually out there. And I don't want to root for him to come back, because he does need to do this for him, and who would I be to tell him not to go, or even to come home? I am in no place to say, so I smile and text him "Hope your loving it, I really miss you. But I am glad your doing this" It kills me but, it's true.

As pathetic as this sounds on New Years, he called my phone to help me find it, and he left me a message; I've saved it, just so I can hear his voice again. I am pathetic, I feel so lame, and sorry for myself.

Sorry for the Tyson rant, it needed to be done. However, now I feel bad for Jordan because he wants me in his life so bad, and I want to be. I really do, but I am not sure how I really feel. It's all happening so fast, that I can't even sit down for one moment without missing something. Jordan just wants his family together, I don't want to be together just for Aylin. There needs to be more of a connection, and I don't want him buying my affection. Which is only fair.

Journal, I need to stop this here because I could ramble on all night. I will continue tomorrow afternoon. I really miss this.

- A xx

Surprising this New Years I made a resolution, new me. Starting Monday, gym everyday (minus weekends) eating healthier, no more mcdonalds. And I know it's bad for me but I want my tan back. I want to be in shape and tanned. I want to feel good about myself and that's the only can way I can.